Topic Avoidance and Secret Keeping in Relationships

A Marieclaire relationship advice article shows what can happen when people keep secrets in relationships.  While trying to decide how much Amy liked Neil, the guy that she was dating, she made a list of pros and cons about him.  Making lists helps me to better organize my thoughts, and it seems that Amy's list helped her to determine how she felt about her dating partner, Neil. But just like in this scenario, keeping secrets in any relationship, romantic or not, tends to cause problems.

Months after Amy had completed her list, Neil found and read about his perks and flaws.  Amy and Neil were still dating and his discovery of her list caused him to feel low, adding to the new uncertainty in their relationship.  Amy had been mostly single for some years and she says she was "determined to make it work."  If you would like to read this article, you can find it here.  http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/the-list

The text "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" talks in depth about secret keeping in relationships.  On page 293, the authors discuss recent studies which show that people keep secrets in relationships because they are afraid that sharing the information will damage or end their relationship.  This Relationship Protection is the main reason that people keep secrets in relationships. In any relationship, including Amy and Neil's, the fear of abandonment can cause secret keeping.

It also states that in most  relationships, secret keeping or topic avoidance occurs more often when the relationship is unsatisfactory.  And most importantly, secret keeping is most harmful to relationships when the information being withheld is relevant to the relationship (Page 297).  Amy's secret list contained things that she liked or disliked about Neil, making it most relevant to their relationship.

A Communication Research Journal, "Topic Avoidance in Developing Relationships: Associations with Intimacy and Relational Uncertainty" studies topic avoidance in relationships, particularly during crucial development stages, just like the journal title states. Knobloch and Carpenter found that at developing stages of some romantic relationships, partners verbalize their irritations with one another more frequently (Page 5). If Amy had confronted Neil about some of his flaws, it might have caused some tension, but the two could have worked on it together. Instead, Amy kept her observations about his negative attributes to herself until he discovered them and was hurt.

After three months of dating, Amy was having doubts about how she truly felt about Neil.  This Communication Research Journal says that it is normal for people to have doubts in the transition from casual dating to serious dating (Page 8).  In any relationship, it is important to know what you think of a person before you become seriously involved.  To assist in sorting her emotions, Amy made a list of pros and cons about her partner.  And when her list was complete, and she discovered that she didn't really love Neil, she kept it a secret, and she continued trying to make the relationship last.

Though Amy's list was not the direct cause of the breakup, it added a lot of uncertainty during an important transition stage of the relationship.  More importantly, as the "Close Encounters" text and the Communication Research Journal tells us, she hid it from Neil, instead of talking with him about it.  Hopefully, Amy learned her lesson.  Secrets in relationships can be harmful, to people that we care about, and to the relationship.

Sources:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/the-list

"Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" 2011. Guerrero, Andersen, Afifi.

 http://crx.sagepub.com/content/31/2/173.full.pdf+html
Knobloch, Leanne K., and Katy E. Carpenter-Theune. "Topic Avoidance in Developing Romantic Relationships Associations with Intimacy and Relational Uncertainty." Communication Research 31.2 (2004): 173-205.

Online Dating and Self-Disclosure

With today's advances in technology and the widespread use of the internet and social media, online dating is becoming more and more common. In any relationship, when and how we reveal something about ourselves, and how much we reveal, plays a large part of the relationship's success or failure. In online dating, revealing information about one'self, or self-disclosure, is even more crucial to the outcome of the relationship. With the help of two articles, I will exemplify the importance of self-disclosure in online dating.

In Eharmony's relationship advice, there is an article that recommends caution to people who use online dating sites. The author, Jeannie Assimos, states, "If you haven't met the person, it's not a real relationship." Though many dating sites are safe, she recognizes that it's users need to be careful about revealing information, and wary of others who may have bad intentions. This 2013 article, which can be found here,  http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/08/27/repeat-after-me-if-you-havent-met-the-person-its-not-a-real-relationship/#.UjyU48aUTEQ  discusses the ease of communicating online.  One can self-disclose as much, or as little as they like about themselves, whether it's true or not.  Jeannie stresses that an online user should connect with their match over the phone, as soon as they are comfortable. And if that goes well, then they need to interact with their match over Skype, or in person so they can get the face to face communication that is so important in a romantic relationship. Online dating site users need to keep from revealing too much about themselves and becoming emotionally invested before they meet their match face to face.

In "Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships" (Laura. K Guerrero), they have a good example about the appropriate timing of self-disclosure. If Conner had walked up to Anne the first time that he met her, and told her how in love with her he was, and raged about political issues, Anne would think that Conner was crazy and his self-disclosure was inappropriate (Page 102).  Just like in real life, online dating users need to start by revealing impersonal information about themselves and deep, personal information should be shared after the two have successfully met.  Eharmony's article states that until you meet a person face to face, you cannot have a relationship.

The Journal of Computer Mediated Communication says that when we humans begin developing romantic relationships, we strive to show our positive attributes to our potential partner.  When we disclose personal information, thoughts and feelings to someone, we get a response.  And when that response is positive, understanding and caring, it encourages us to disclose more of ourselves, on a deeper level.  http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00020.x/full.  Jeannie is telling us not to get so carried away and emotionally involved before we meet online matches and can begin building a healthy relationship.

For many online dating site users, they have a hard time finding the right balance between that emotional connection, and their own safety in when or how much information to disclose.  Each of these sources tells us that self-disclosure is important in romantic relationships. And in any relationship, online or not, too much too soon, is a sure way to fail.  Something that Jeannie did not mention in Eharmony's article, is the precautions one should take when meeting an online match for the first time. Be wise, take someone with you.

Sources:

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/08/27/repeat-after-me-if-you-havent-met-the-person-its-not-a-real-relationship/#.UjyU48aUTEQ

"Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" 2011. Guerrero, Andersen, Afifi.

Ellison, N., Heino, R. and Gibbs, J. (2006), Managing Impressions Online: Self-Presentation Processes in the Online Dating Environment. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 11: 415–441. doi: 10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00020.x

About Me and Rin's Relationship Reads

ABOUT ME: That's me (above).
My name is Corinne (Rin) Jones. I am 21 years old and in between studying or working, I love to read, study languages, and write.  With the help of my experiences in community, or international service projects, and the degree that I am earning in Communication Studies, I hope to one day work for an organization that will allow me to continue serving and helping others. I am currently a senior at the University of Alabama, majoring in Communication Studies where I am diving deeper into cultural diversity and interpersonal relationships.


ABOUT RIN'S RELATIONSHIP READS:
 This blog, Rin's Relationship Reads is for one of my classes, Relational Communication.  Though this is for a grade, it does not disregard the importance of the topics and information that I will share.  I will be taking recent journal, magazine or news articles about relationships and comparing them to scholarly peer view journals in the field of Communication. The information that you find in this blog will cover a wide range of scenarios and will relate to your family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, and professional relationships. By taking apart popular articles and discussing them with the aid of scholarly journals, I will help you to understand the best way to communicate in these relationships. Together we will gain further insight, perspective and confidence in communicating in our every day relationships.