Components of an Unhealthy Relationship

In my most previous blog post, I described prosocial maintenance behaviors that are important to a healthy relationship.  Of course, there are also antisocial maintenance behaviors that could damage a relationship.  These include avoidance, a lack of flirting, talking about others, jealousy, spying, infidelity, allowing control and destructive conflict.

Avoidance is the first of these destructive behaviors.  Though sometimes it is necessary to have your own space, too much separation from a romantic partner, or someone else close can be extremely harmful.  Relational proximity is a crucial part of relationships.  Wikihow.com says that if a significant other is avoiding or ignoring you, the first step is to take a step back (figuratively) and determine if you are overcrowding them. A constant lack of flirting or being standoffish can imply that a person is uninterested or no longer wanting a romantic relationship.

Another antisocial maintenance behavior is talking about others.  When we continuously  praise others and habitually mention them, explaining how awesome they are, it can make our partner feel down or inadequate.  Jealousy, which we all should be familiar with, is in large part, due to uncertainty.  In a research study conducted by Ephinston, the results stated that jealousy often leads to dissatisfaction in relationships.  There are various ways to deal with uncertainty and jealousy, including spying.  Spying is the next behavior that is harmful to relationships.  Going behind a partners back for information, through their friends, or their personal items, can lead to distrust, and cause further problems.

Infidelity, emotional or sexual, that may offer benefits, will also bring heavy costs to the relationship with our significant other.  I do not think that I need to explain how this could damage and potentially terminate a relationship.

Yet another detrimental behavior to close relationships is allowing control.  This occurs when someone submits everything to their partner, including all of their time, their own opinions, and decisions.  Losing one's own individuality and dependence to another is highly unhealthy.

The last antisocial maintenance behavior is destructive conflict.  In my recent post, I said that every relationship has conflict, but how people deal with that conflict has an even greater impact on the relationship.  Just like effective conflict management can strengthen a relationship, poor conflict management can cause a relationship to deteriorate.

Each of these things can cause problems in a relationship.  The more of them that are involved in a relationship, and the more often that these behaviors are used, then the more that the relationship will be damaged.  Be mindful of the behaviors of those close to you, and work together to begin changing these antisocial maintenance habits.  Also be mindful of your own behaviors.  If you are in need of positive behaviors to engage in, you can refer to my previous post, Components of a Healthy Relationship.


Works Cited:

"How to Get Your Boyfriend to Stop Ignoring You"
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Boyfriend-to-Stop-Ignoring-You

Elphinston R., Feeney J., Noller P., Connor J., Fitzgerald J. (2013) "Romantic Jealousy and Relationship Satisfaction: The Costs of Rumination", Western Journal of Communication, 77(3), 293. doi10.1080/10570314.2013.770161

Components of a Healthy Relationship

We value our close relationships, and we want them to last.  We can keep our relationships healthy and going strong by using prosocial maintenance behaviors.  These behaviors include positivity, humor, openness and routine talk, assurances, supportiveness, social networking, task sharing, joint activities, romance and affection, and constructive conflict management.  In a study conducted by Weigel and Ballard-Reisch, it was discovered that married couples who use higher levels of prosocial maintenance behaviors, are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships (Page 223).

The first of these, positivity, sounds easy enough.  We all know how to be positive.  What we do not realize however, is how much negativity we do incorporate in our relationships. On Operah.com, an article describes a married couple who agreed to cut out all negativity from their relationship, the effort that it took, and the results of joy and commitment.  Humor, inside jokes, and things that make both partners laugh is another aspect to relationship maintenance.

Openness and Routine talk not only involves being honest and direct with one another, but also engaging in everyday conversations such as asking how one's day has been.  Assurances are also important verbal communication in relationships.  Telling the other person about how much you care about them, and discussing your future together reminds them of you commitment.  Supportiveness such as sacrifices and comfort also show devotion and commitment.

Even though most of us are connected with our close friends and significant others on facebook, when used as a prosocial maintenance behavior, social networking refers to the time spent with each other's friends and families.  Belonging not just to each other, but to each other's social circles is a large part of a healthy relationship.  Likewise, sharing join activites such as hanging out, or going to events keeps the relationship enjoyable.  Task sharing, or working together on things such as chores or finances shows that each partner is committed and willing to share not only in the fun, but in the work.  In a separate study on prosocial maintenance in the work place, 88% of the participants reported using task sharing (Page 35).

Romance and affection is also crucial in a close relationship. Valuing a partner with surprises, flowers, and romantic evenings is yet another way to show someone that you care.  Lastly, efficient conflict management through listening, problem-solving, or compromising also helps maintain a healthy relationship. All relationships have conflict, how people deal with that conflict could help the relationship, or damage it.

The more that people engage in these prosocial maintenance behaviors, the more committed they are in their relationships and the more satisfied they are.  Positivity, humor, oppenness and routine talk, assurances, supportiveness, social networking, joint activities, task sharing, romance, and conflict management are these prosocial maintenance behaviors that can keep your relationship healthy or restore it.

Works Cited:

Newman L. (2013) "The One Thing You Need to Do to Save Your Marriage"

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-Positivity-Can-Save-Your-Marriage-Imago-Relationship-Therapy/1

Weigel D., Ballard-Reisch D. (2008) "Relational Maintenance, Satisfaction and Commitment in Marriages: An Actor-Partner Analysis", Journal of Family Communication [serial online]. July 2008;8(3):212-229

Madlock P., Booth-Butterfield M. (2012) "The Influence of Relational Maintenance Strategies Among Coworkers", Journal of Business Communication. 49(1), 21-47.

Flirting - From the Pick Up Line to the Relationship

Flirting plays a key role in the beginning of romantic relationships.  It is an exciting time, filled with giggles, and uncertainty.  A lot of research has been done on flirting, and it is a common advise topic for magazines. Research has shown that most people engage in nonverbal flirting techniques, especially in the early stages of a relationship.  These techniques are less direct, and less obvious, making it easier to prevent rejection from the other person.  Dr. Albert Scheflen, is known for the development of the 5 Stages of Courtship Model, of which, I will describe the first three stages.

The first step in this Courtship Mode, is to gain the other person's attention.  This part of flirting occurs at the very beginning of a relationship, often, the first time that two people meet.  Males, and some females, become nervous about approaching a love interest.  Worries over the perfect pick up line, timing, and appearance are common.  David DeAngelo from AskMen.com suggests that if you a male does not have a lot of time, he should be direct and act normal.   Looking good and making a great first impression is crucial in this stage.  Just like in an interview setting, you may not have a lot of time to "sell yourself". The first step to flirting, is getting the other person's attention, and gaining their interest, hopefully leading to more time.

The second stage, courtship readiness, or the recognition stage, involves the other person's response to the initial flirting.  Do they react negatively by scoffing, or ignoring the flirtation? Or does the person respond positively by smiling, blushing, engaging a conversation, or gazing?  The results of this stage will either put an end to flirting and the continuation to a relationship, or they will lead to the possibility of more flirting and the development of a relationship.  David DeAngelo recommends a "Cocky and Funny" attitude for men in this stage.  Keep in mind that people flirt for different reasons.  Some people may be genuinely interested in a relationship, others may do it for fun, and others could be doing it to make someone else jealous.  Flirting can also be used to get to know another person more, or to create an emotional bond.

The positioning stage of courtship is what most of us call "talking".  This is when two people are really beginning to form a relationship together, although it may not yet be very serious.  People in this stage have made it past the "first interview" and are in a sort of trial period. Activities in this part of courtship include talking at close distances, smiling, brief touching, gestures, and maybe even hand holding.  While both males and females engage in flirting activities, a scholarly journal in Communication Quarterly says that most people still use a traditional flirting style.  In this style, men are expected to follow traditional male roles and pursue the woman and make the first move (Page 369).  This article also goes into detail about the physical flirting style, the sincere flirting style, the playful flirting style, and the polite flirting style.

Flirting is an important part to the beginning stages of a romantic relationship.  Some flirting messages, especially nonverbal, can be unclear, which may cause uncertainty.  "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" states that "Men are more likely than women to see flirtatious behaviors as seductive, whereas women often see these same behaviors as ways of being friendly and expressing innocent attraction (Page 191)."  This is one example of how uncertainty and confusion can cause disruption in flirting activities.  Nonverbal and verbal flirting, sometimes confusing or nerve-wrecking can be enjoyable.  Flirting is significant in the development of romantic relationships, particularly in the beginning stages.

Works Cited:


Hall J., Carter S., Cody M., Albright J. (2010) "Individual Differences in the Communication of Romantic Interest: Development of the Flirting Styles Inventory", Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

DeAngelo D. (2013) "How Long Should I Talk to a Woman Before I Ask for Her Phone Number",
http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_150/188_dating_tips.html

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afif W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Birds of a Feather - Does it Work?

When you begin getting to know someone, whether it's a potential best friend or significant other, it is so exciting to learn more about them and discover things that you have in common.  Common interests and and other similarities are often what draw us to other people, but is that what makes a relationship last? In "Put Down that Cosmo," the author, Becca says that when we are similar to others in physical attractiveness, values and attitude, and background and education, the relationship can be highly successful.
http://notyouraveragebro.com/dating-tidbits-and-advice/put-down-that-cosmo/'
 Researchers such as Morry, Kito and  Ortiz, have found this to be true. So even though Becca only has her Bachelor of Science in Psychology, her article in Not Your Average Bro can be trusted.

The Matching hypothesis says that we are drawn to others who have the same level of attractiveness as we do.  Usually, people that we choose to be close to us are within one point of our level of physical attractiveness (1-10).  Have you ever seen a couple with one beautiful partner, and one partner that was far less attractive and wondered why??  This hypothesis is not true for every couple, but it stands for most romantic partners and close friends.

The second type of similarity that usually draws people together, and the one that often keeps people together, is in values and attitude. These are things such as views on religion, or politics, and the way that we were raised, our morals. One of the reasons called the reinforcement model, as stated in "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships," is that when another person shares our same values and attitudes, we feel that we are correct in our beliefs and perceptions (Page 66).  Our values and attitudes are important to us and when someone close to us shares in these beliefs, it gives us a stronger sense of belonging. Also, the article in Personal Relationships says that when two people are similar in their attitudes, it can assist with reducing potential conflicts (Page 127).

The third way that similarity plays a role in connecting us to others is background and education.  Often times, someone will become close with a significant other or a friend if they come from similar financial backgrounds, ethnicity or nationality, or other demographics.  A study conducted by Luo shows that similarity of age and ethnicity had an important role in attraction to others (Page 135).   People also tend to be drawn to people who have similar educational backgrounds, particularly, people who have a similar level of communication skills.

Even though opposites do sometimes attract, "Birds of a feather" also attract, and research shows that similarity often helps "Birds of a feather flock together." Similarity in physical attractiveness, attitudes and values, and backgrounds and education, all plays a large role in drawing us to others, romantically or not, and sometimes, in maintaining that relationship.


Works Cited:

Becca (2012) "Put Down that Cosmo!:, Not Your Average Bro
http://notyouraveragebro.com/dating-tidbits-and-advice/put-down-that-cosmo/'

Morry M., Kito M., Ortiz L. (2010) "The attraction–similarity model and dating couples:  Projection, perceived similarity, and psychological benefits", Personal Relationships DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01293.x

 Luo S. (2009) "Partner Selection and Relationship Satisfaction in Early Dating Couples: The Role of Couple Similarity", Personality and Individual Differences. Colume 47, Isue 2.

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afif W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Influencing Others

Whether we realize it or not, to some degree, we all attempt to influence others in our relationships.  We may try to influence their behavior, their opinions, or smaller things such as which restaurant to eat at.  There are a number of ways to influence others, called compliance-gaining strategies.  These strategies include direct requests, bargaining, aversive simulation, ingratiation, or hinting (Others are moral appeals, manipulation and withdrawal).

An article in Madamenoire titled, "How to Get What You Want From Any Man," gives several tips for influencing a man. Many of these fall under the types of influencing techniques listed above. The first tip from Madamenoire, being open and honest, is a direct request type of influence.  This technique is commonly used and highly effective, especially in relationships with mutual respect and intimacy.  Examples of this influence are "Would you please take the trash out?," or "I think we should set aside one night a week for us to spend together."  Bargaining is another common type of influence.  Instead of asking directly, bargaining would look like this: "I'll take the trash out if you do the dishes."  Madamenoire advises us to offer to do something in return when influencing someone else.  The author of this article suggests that we could cook a favorite meal for the other person.

Aversive stimulation is one of the more childish influencing strategies.  Though sometimes effective, pouting, whining and complaining until a person gets their way is often viewed as negative behavior.  This is what Madamenoire says not to do.  The next technique, is ingratiation, or "kissing up."  The Madamenoire article advises women attempting to persuade their men to do this by telling him that he is the best source for what they need. By saying that he is the first, and best pick, he is flattered and more willing to do what they want.  The article also recommends that women smile and act polite and kind while asking for something.

Women are also known for "hinting." Instead of asking for a husband or roommate to take out the trash, a woman might say, "Wow look, the trash is overflowing."  The effectiveness of hints relies on the relationship and the other person.  According to "Compliance-Gaining Strategies, Communication Satisfaction, and Willingness to Comply," the closer and more intimate that two people are, the more likely they are to be influenced or persuaded (Page 101).  Interestingly, research has also found that two people in a healthy relationship use these compliance-gaining strategies less often because there is less that they need to change (Page 265. Guerrero).

So whether you are trying to get your dad to buy you tickets, hinting about a dream house, or waiting for the trash to be taken out, remember to be honest and direct, and smile.  There are many ways to attempt to influence others and some are more effective than others.  They may or may not work so well because of the technique itself, or because of the type of relationship and it's intimacy.

Works Cited:

Grant J., King P., Behnke R. (1994) "Compliance-Gaining Strategies, Communication Satisfaction, and Willingness to Comply", Communication Reports, 7(2), 99-108.

Renee E. (2010) "How to Get What You Want From Any Man", Madamenoire

http://madamenoire.com/25849/how-to-get-what-you-want-from-a-man-20019/

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afifi W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship

In today's culture of transportation and technology, long distance relationships are far more common than they used to be.  The Long Distance Relationship Survival Guide from Eharmony's Relationship Advice says that to manage a long distance relationship with your partner, you need to effectively manage two things: uncertainty and the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy.

"Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships" defines uncertainty as "the inability to predict or explain someone's attitudes or behaviors (Page 76.)"  Berger and Calabrese (1975), who were some of the first scholars to research uncertainty in relationships, give us three ways to reduce uncertainty in a relationship.  One of the three, interactive strategies, requires the person to communicate directly with their partner and be open and honest. The scholarly journal "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships" says that people often try to avoid discussing the subject (Page 207.)  Through my studies in Communication Studies at the University of Alabama, I have learned that this most often leads to other issues.  The is the best way to manage uncertainty in a long distance relationship with your partner and stay on the same page about expect of one another is to communicate openly and honestly with them.

The second part of a long distance relationship that needs to be well-managed is the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy, or the balance between time spent together, and apart.  This tension is present in any relationship, but it is magnified in long distance relationships with a significant other.  In any relationship, time should be spent together to develop the relationship, but time also needs to be spent apart to maintain individuality and space.  In a long distance relationship, this tension becomes more complex and frustrating because so much of the time spent together is over social media or video chat.  And then there is extreme connection when the partners visit and try to spend every moment together.  The best way to manage this tension, is to discuss it with your partner.  Be up front about needing more time to yourself or about wanting to talk with them more.  By discussing this issue, a solution or compromise is usually created.

Long Distance Relationships are not easy (I am in one myself).  Aside from the financial costs and the constant missing each other, the two largest drawbacks are the uncertainty and the tension between time spent apart and time spent together.  In each of these areas, discussing your expectations and your feelings with your partner is the best way to manage these negative areas and prevent further problems.


Works Cited:

Jang S., Yoo J., Tian Y.(2011) "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships", Human Communication, 14(3), 205-219

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afifi W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Hassenzahl M., Heidecker S., Eckoldt K., Diefenback S., Hillmann U. (2012) "All You Need is Love: Current Strategies for Mediating Intimate Relationships Through Technology", ACM Transactions on Computer-Human Interaction, DEC, 2012, 19 4, 19p

Comforting Others

We all need to be comforted from time to time.  Just like when our friends and loved ones comfort us, we want to be there for them and show them that we really care too.  There are several ways that we can help the people that we care about when they are distressed: we can help them come up with a solution or we can comfort them and aid their emotional needs.  In this blog post, I will focus on comforting others and relieving their aches.  An advice article in Glamour discusses six tips to comforting a friend who is dealing with a breakup.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html
 At some time or another, we all do help our friends through these times, but there are many other situations that they can go through: a bad grade on an important test, the loss of a loved one or financial issues for example.

The first advice given by Glamour is to "sense their mood and try to act accordingly."  I believe that this is the same advise offered by "The Art of Comforting" but in different words.  This New Ideas in Psychology article says that when issues are "empathically shared" with someone, we immediately feel better (Page 348).  By taking the time to be with someone and being sensitive to their mood, they are already relieved of some discomfort because they are no longer alone.

The following tips in the Glamour article (2-5) are not necessarily incorrect or ineffective but they are not of the same, deep and scholarly advice given in "The Art of Comforting."  Like Glamour's first tip, however, the sixth tip aligns with comforting advice "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships." "Putting the focus on them" or, using "high person-centered messages" ensures them that you think positively of them and it builds them up (Page 145).  Glamour's example of comforting a friend through a breakup, suggests that instead of bashing the ex-boyfriend, we support our friend by saying things such as "You are so brave".  These types of positive, verbal messages let others know we care and value them.

Another important part of comforting others that is not included in Glamour's article is nonverbal immediacy.  Sometimes we are unsure of what to say, or things that we do say may not be heard or taken seriously.  Nonverbal messages, often more important then verbal messages, play a crucial role in comforting others. Nonverbal messages such as sitting closely, listening attentively, hugging or other touching, making eye contact, and the use of facial expressions add strength and validity to what we are trying to convey  (Page 349. Miceli).  These silent messages let them know that we are listening and we care about them.

There are hundreds of ways that we can help others, and many that we can comfort them.  But three ways to effectively comfort anyone close to us are to be empathetic, focus on them, and use nonverbal messages.


Works Cited:

Miceli M., Mancini A., Menna P. (2013) "The Art of Comforting", New Ideas in Psychology, 27343-361. doi 10.1016/newideaspsych. 2009.01.001

Kaufman G. (2012) "6 Things That Might Actually Help Comfort A Friend During a Break Up", Glamour Magazine.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html

Love at First Sight?

We all know that the success of a first date could quickly put an end to a relationship, or potentially lead to a second date.  But what makes a first date a hit?  Some people believe in "love at first sight."  Even though I am all about "happily ever after," I am unsure about "love at first sight."  However, sometimes two people do meet for the first time, and they hit it right off.  With the help of teenadvice.about.com, and two scholar journals, I will explain these components that can make first dates a flame.

According to "Close Encounters", "we are drawn to people's look, whether it is someone's body, eyes, hair, attire, or other aspects of a persona's appearance (Page 50.)"  This physical attraction is one of the first things that we notice about a person.  The scholar journal article, "Why Mate Choices are not as Reciprocal as we Assume: The Role of Personality, Flirting and Physical Attractivenes" says that people who are physically attractive are likely to be more popular (Page 122.)  Also, keep the matching hypothesis in mind.  As stated in "Ellen Berscheid, Elaine Hatfield, and the Emergence of Relationship Science," we are attracted to people who are as physically attractive as we are (page 561). Doesn't it always seem like the hottest guy is dating the gorgeous girl with perfect hair? For the most part, people tend to date others who are within one point of their attractiveness score (1-10).

The most important part of what makes physical attractiveness important on a first date, is the halo effect.  "Is Love at First Sight A Real Thing" found on teenadvice.about.com describes a scenario that we have all likely been in at one time or another.  Sometimes, when you first meet a person, even though you know nothing about them, you can feel such a strong connection and attraction.  This article says that instead of "love at first sight", you are experiencing the attractiveness halo effect.  This theory says that we tend to think that people who are physically attractive, also have other positive qualities.  Even though this isn't always true, we believe that good looking people are also charming, successful, intelligent, and have other great characteristics.  This theory has also been said to be cross-cultural in "The Attractiveness Halo: Why Some Candidates are Perceived More Favorably than Others (Page 115.)"  Even though sometimes this "love at first sight", halo effect can make a great first date, it does not mean that the relationship will lead to a healthy relationship or marriage, although it could.  The next time that a good looking man (or woman) catches your eye and the two of you hit it off, is it love at first sight, or are his good looks tricking you into the halo effect?



Works Cited:

Reis H., Aron A., Clark M., Finkel E.(2013) "Ellen Berscheid, Elaine Hatfield, and the
Emergence of Relationship Science", Perspective on Psycological Science, 8: 558 DOI:10.1177/1745691613497966

Back M., Penke L., Schmukle S., Sachse K., Borkenau P., Asendorpf J. (2011) "Why Mate Choices are not as Reciprocal as we Assume: The Role of Personality, Flirting and Physical Attractiveness", European Journal of Personality, DOI: 10.1002/per.806

Verhulst B., Lodge M., Lavine H. (2010) "The Attractiveness Halo: Why Some Candidates are Perceived More Favorably than Others", Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 34:111–117DOI 10.1007/s10919-009-0084-z

Ashworth H., "Is Love at First Sight a Real Thing?", http://teenadvice.about.com/od/datinglove/a/love_at_first_sight.htm

"Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" 2011. Guerrero, Andersen, Afifi.

How to Make a Relationship Work in College

Dating seems like a common part of the college life, but sometimes it can be hard making a relationship last.  MochiMag's article "How to Make a Relationship Work in College" gives four tips for making a relationship work in college.  They recommend finding someone who has a good balance of similar and different interests, managing time well, adding spontaneity to the relationship, and ensuring that both people trust one another.

First, this article recommends finding a partner with a good balance of similar and different interests.  Often times, we can be attracted to someone because of similar interests or because of things that are contradictory that we are interested in learning more about. However, according to Close Encounters, it is most important that two people are similar in their core attitudes and beliefs. (Page 69)

Secondly, the article "How to Make a Relationship Work in College" says that time management is key to a lasting romantic relationship.  Time management is a crucial skill for any college student to have and to use in each and every aspect of their life.  Time management does not only mean arriving places on time, but so much more than that.  By managing one's time wisely, they can stay better prioritized, and maintain a healthy balance between school work, jobs, extra curricular activities and their relationships.

Another important part of maintaining a healthy relationship in college is spontaneity. Adding things to relationships such as surprises, new ideas, or a change in routine can keep it fresh and from getting boring.  Researchers such as Baxter and Simon from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships call this a dialectic tension.  The balance between predictability and novelty is crucial to maintaining any relationship.  We all long for consistency in relationships.  We want to know that our partner will be there for us, but we also want to keep the relationship fun and exciting. Relationship Maintenance Strategies and Dialectical Contradictions in Personal Relationships says that too much certainty can lead to emotional deadening, which includes boredom; and sometimes, boredom leads to breakups or divorce (Page 227).

The final attribute to making a relationship in college work according to MochiMag is trust.  Trust is an important part to any romantic relationship, and any other type of interpersonal relationship.  Having a partner that you can trust to always be there for you and stay committed will not only be beneficial to the relationship, but can help through the burdens of every day college life.  Trust can be shown by talking openly with a partner, taking time to be with them with they are down, staying loyal, showing affection, and listening.  These behaviors, and ways of showing and building trust are important to maintaining a healthy relationship in college.

MochiMag's article "How to Make a Relationship Work in College" says that having a balance of similar and different interests, managing time wisely, being spontaneous, and trusting one another is the key to a successful relationship.


Works Cited:

Ako, J. (2011). How to Make a Relationship Work in College, MochiMag.com
://www.mochimag.com/article/long-term-relationship-tips-dating-college-love

Baxter, L. A., & Simon, E.P (1993).  Relationship Maintenance Strategies and Dialectical Contradictions in Personal Relationships, Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 10(2), 225, doi: 10. 1177/026540759301000204.

Topic Avoidance and Secret Keeping in Relationships

A Marieclaire relationship advice article shows what can happen when people keep secrets in relationships.  While trying to decide how much Amy liked Neil, the guy that she was dating, she made a list of pros and cons about him.  Making lists helps me to better organize my thoughts, and it seems that Amy's list helped her to determine how she felt about her dating partner, Neil. But just like in this scenario, keeping secrets in any relationship, romantic or not, tends to cause problems.

Months after Amy had completed her list, Neil found and read about his perks and flaws.  Amy and Neil were still dating and his discovery of her list caused him to feel low, adding to the new uncertainty in their relationship.  Amy had been mostly single for some years and she says she was "determined to make it work."  If you would like to read this article, you can find it here.  http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/the-list

The text "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" talks in depth about secret keeping in relationships.  On page 293, the authors discuss recent studies which show that people keep secrets in relationships because they are afraid that sharing the information will damage or end their relationship.  This Relationship Protection is the main reason that people keep secrets in relationships. In any relationship, including Amy and Neil's, the fear of abandonment can cause secret keeping.

It also states that in most  relationships, secret keeping or topic avoidance occurs more often when the relationship is unsatisfactory.  And most importantly, secret keeping is most harmful to relationships when the information being withheld is relevant to the relationship (Page 297).  Amy's secret list contained things that she liked or disliked about Neil, making it most relevant to their relationship.

A Communication Research Journal, "Topic Avoidance in Developing Relationships: Associations with Intimacy and Relational Uncertainty" studies topic avoidance in relationships, particularly during crucial development stages, just like the journal title states. Knobloch and Carpenter found that at developing stages of some romantic relationships, partners verbalize their irritations with one another more frequently (Page 5). If Amy had confronted Neil about some of his flaws, it might have caused some tension, but the two could have worked on it together. Instead, Amy kept her observations about his negative attributes to herself until he discovered them and was hurt.

After three months of dating, Amy was having doubts about how she truly felt about Neil.  This Communication Research Journal says that it is normal for people to have doubts in the transition from casual dating to serious dating (Page 8).  In any relationship, it is important to know what you think of a person before you become seriously involved.  To assist in sorting her emotions, Amy made a list of pros and cons about her partner.  And when her list was complete, and she discovered that she didn't really love Neil, she kept it a secret, and she continued trying to make the relationship last.

Though Amy's list was not the direct cause of the breakup, it added a lot of uncertainty during an important transition stage of the relationship.  More importantly, as the "Close Encounters" text and the Communication Research Journal tells us, she hid it from Neil, instead of talking with him about it.  Hopefully, Amy learned her lesson.  Secrets in relationships can be harmful, to people that we care about, and to the relationship.

Sources:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/the-list

"Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" 2011. Guerrero, Andersen, Afifi.

 http://crx.sagepub.com/content/31/2/173.full.pdf+html
Knobloch, Leanne K., and Katy E. Carpenter-Theune. "Topic Avoidance in Developing Romantic Relationships Associations with Intimacy and Relational Uncertainty." Communication Research 31.2 (2004): 173-205.

Online Dating and Self-Disclosure

With today's advances in technology and the widespread use of the internet and social media, online dating is becoming more and more common. In any relationship, when and how we reveal something about ourselves, and how much we reveal, plays a large part of the relationship's success or failure. In online dating, revealing information about one'self, or self-disclosure, is even more crucial to the outcome of the relationship. With the help of two articles, I will exemplify the importance of self-disclosure in online dating.

In Eharmony's relationship advice, there is an article that recommends caution to people who use online dating sites. The author, Jeannie Assimos, states, "If you haven't met the person, it's not a real relationship." Though many dating sites are safe, she recognizes that it's users need to be careful about revealing information, and wary of others who may have bad intentions. This 2013 article, which can be found here,  http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/08/27/repeat-after-me-if-you-havent-met-the-person-its-not-a-real-relationship/#.UjyU48aUTEQ  discusses the ease of communicating online.  One can self-disclose as much, or as little as they like about themselves, whether it's true or not.  Jeannie stresses that an online user should connect with their match over the phone, as soon as they are comfortable. And if that goes well, then they need to interact with their match over Skype, or in person so they can get the face to face communication that is so important in a romantic relationship. Online dating site users need to keep from revealing too much about themselves and becoming emotionally invested before they meet their match face to face.

In "Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships" (Laura. K Guerrero), they have a good example about the appropriate timing of self-disclosure. If Conner had walked up to Anne the first time that he met her, and told her how in love with her he was, and raged about political issues, Anne would think that Conner was crazy and his self-disclosure was inappropriate (Page 102).  Just like in real life, online dating users need to start by revealing impersonal information about themselves and deep, personal information should be shared after the two have successfully met.  Eharmony's article states that until you meet a person face to face, you cannot have a relationship.

The Journal of Computer Mediated Communication says that when we humans begin developing romantic relationships, we strive to show our positive attributes to our potential partner.  When we disclose personal information, thoughts and feelings to someone, we get a response.  And when that response is positive, understanding and caring, it encourages us to disclose more of ourselves, on a deeper level.  http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00020.x/full.  Jeannie is telling us not to get so carried away and emotionally involved before we meet online matches and can begin building a healthy relationship.

For many online dating site users, they have a hard time finding the right balance between that emotional connection, and their own safety in when or how much information to disclose.  Each of these sources tells us that self-disclosure is important in romantic relationships. And in any relationship, online or not, too much too soon, is a sure way to fail.  Something that Jeannie did not mention in Eharmony's article, is the precautions one should take when meeting an online match for the first time. Be wise, take someone with you.

Sources:

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/08/27/repeat-after-me-if-you-havent-met-the-person-its-not-a-real-relationship/#.UjyU48aUTEQ

"Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" 2011. Guerrero, Andersen, Afifi.

Ellison, N., Heino, R. and Gibbs, J. (2006), Managing Impressions Online: Self-Presentation Processes in the Online Dating Environment. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 11: 415–441. doi: 10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00020.x

About Me and Rin's Relationship Reads

ABOUT ME: That's me (above).
My name is Corinne (Rin) Jones. I am 21 years old and in between studying or working, I love to read, study languages, and write.  With the help of my experiences in community, or international service projects, and the degree that I am earning in Communication Studies, I hope to one day work for an organization that will allow me to continue serving and helping others. I am currently a senior at the University of Alabama, majoring in Communication Studies where I am diving deeper into cultural diversity and interpersonal relationships.


ABOUT RIN'S RELATIONSHIP READS:
 This blog, Rin's Relationship Reads is for one of my classes, Relational Communication.  Though this is for a grade, it does not disregard the importance of the topics and information that I will share.  I will be taking recent journal, magazine or news articles about relationships and comparing them to scholarly peer view journals in the field of Communication. The information that you find in this blog will cover a wide range of scenarios and will relate to your family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, and professional relationships. By taking apart popular articles and discussing them with the aid of scholarly journals, I will help you to understand the best way to communicate in these relationships. Together we will gain further insight, perspective and confidence in communicating in our every day relationships.