How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship

In today's culture of transportation and technology, long distance relationships are far more common than they used to be.  The Long Distance Relationship Survival Guide from Eharmony's Relationship Advice says that to manage a long distance relationship with your partner, you need to effectively manage two things: uncertainty and the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy.

"Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships" defines uncertainty as "the inability to predict or explain someone's attitudes or behaviors (Page 76.)"  Berger and Calabrese (1975), who were some of the first scholars to research uncertainty in relationships, give us three ways to reduce uncertainty in a relationship.  One of the three, interactive strategies, requires the person to communicate directly with their partner and be open and honest. The scholarly journal "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships" says that people often try to avoid discussing the subject (Page 207.)  Through my studies in Communication Studies at the University of Alabama, I have learned that this most often leads to other issues.  The is the best way to manage uncertainty in a long distance relationship with your partner and stay on the same page about expect of one another is to communicate openly and honestly with them.

The second part of a long distance relationship that needs to be well-managed is the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy, or the balance between time spent together, and apart.  This tension is present in any relationship, but it is magnified in long distance relationships with a significant other.  In any relationship, time should be spent together to develop the relationship, but time also needs to be spent apart to maintain individuality and space.  In a long distance relationship, this tension becomes more complex and frustrating because so much of the time spent together is over social media or video chat.  And then there is extreme connection when the partners visit and try to spend every moment together.  The best way to manage this tension, is to discuss it with your partner.  Be up front about needing more time to yourself or about wanting to talk with them more.  By discussing this issue, a solution or compromise is usually created.

Long Distance Relationships are not easy (I am in one myself).  Aside from the financial costs and the constant missing each other, the two largest drawbacks are the uncertainty and the tension between time spent apart and time spent together.  In each of these areas, discussing your expectations and your feelings with your partner is the best way to manage these negative areas and prevent further problems.


Works Cited:

Jang S., Yoo J., Tian Y.(2011) "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships", Human Communication, 14(3), 205-219

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afifi W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Hassenzahl M., Heidecker S., Eckoldt K., Diefenback S., Hillmann U. (2012) "All You Need is Love: Current Strategies for Mediating Intimate Relationships Through Technology", ACM Transactions on Computer-Human Interaction, DEC, 2012, 19 4, 19p