Comforting Others

We all need to be comforted from time to time.  Just like when our friends and loved ones comfort us, we want to be there for them and show them that we really care too.  There are several ways that we can help the people that we care about when they are distressed: we can help them come up with a solution or we can comfort them and aid their emotional needs.  In this blog post, I will focus on comforting others and relieving their aches.  An advice article in Glamour discusses six tips to comforting a friend who is dealing with a breakup.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html
 At some time or another, we all do help our friends through these times, but there are many other situations that they can go through: a bad grade on an important test, the loss of a loved one or financial issues for example.

The first advice given by Glamour is to "sense their mood and try to act accordingly."  I believe that this is the same advise offered by "The Art of Comforting" but in different words.  This New Ideas in Psychology article says that when issues are "empathically shared" with someone, we immediately feel better (Page 348).  By taking the time to be with someone and being sensitive to their mood, they are already relieved of some discomfort because they are no longer alone.

The following tips in the Glamour article (2-5) are not necessarily incorrect or ineffective but they are not of the same, deep and scholarly advice given in "The Art of Comforting."  Like Glamour's first tip, however, the sixth tip aligns with comforting advice "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships." "Putting the focus on them" or, using "high person-centered messages" ensures them that you think positively of them and it builds them up (Page 145).  Glamour's example of comforting a friend through a breakup, suggests that instead of bashing the ex-boyfriend, we support our friend by saying things such as "You are so brave".  These types of positive, verbal messages let others know we care and value them.

Another important part of comforting others that is not included in Glamour's article is nonverbal immediacy.  Sometimes we are unsure of what to say, or things that we do say may not be heard or taken seriously.  Nonverbal messages, often more important then verbal messages, play a crucial role in comforting others. Nonverbal messages such as sitting closely, listening attentively, hugging or other touching, making eye contact, and the use of facial expressions add strength and validity to what we are trying to convey  (Page 349. Miceli).  These silent messages let them know that we are listening and we care about them.

There are hundreds of ways that we can help others, and many that we can comfort them.  But three ways to effectively comfort anyone close to us are to be empathetic, focus on them, and use nonverbal messages.


Works Cited:

Miceli M., Mancini A., Menna P. (2013) "The Art of Comforting", New Ideas in Psychology, 27343-361. doi 10.1016/newideaspsych. 2009.01.001

Kaufman G. (2012) "6 Things That Might Actually Help Comfort A Friend During a Break Up", Glamour Magazine.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html