Components of an Unhealthy Relationship

In my most previous blog post, I described prosocial maintenance behaviors that are important to a healthy relationship.  Of course, there are also antisocial maintenance behaviors that could damage a relationship.  These include avoidance, a lack of flirting, talking about others, jealousy, spying, infidelity, allowing control and destructive conflict.

Avoidance is the first of these destructive behaviors.  Though sometimes it is necessary to have your own space, too much separation from a romantic partner, or someone else close can be extremely harmful.  Relational proximity is a crucial part of relationships.  Wikihow.com says that if a significant other is avoiding or ignoring you, the first step is to take a step back (figuratively) and determine if you are overcrowding them. A constant lack of flirting or being standoffish can imply that a person is uninterested or no longer wanting a romantic relationship.

Another antisocial maintenance behavior is talking about others.  When we continuously  praise others and habitually mention them, explaining how awesome they are, it can make our partner feel down or inadequate.  Jealousy, which we all should be familiar with, is in large part, due to uncertainty.  In a research study conducted by Ephinston, the results stated that jealousy often leads to dissatisfaction in relationships.  There are various ways to deal with uncertainty and jealousy, including spying.  Spying is the next behavior that is harmful to relationships.  Going behind a partners back for information, through their friends, or their personal items, can lead to distrust, and cause further problems.

Infidelity, emotional or sexual, that may offer benefits, will also bring heavy costs to the relationship with our significant other.  I do not think that I need to explain how this could damage and potentially terminate a relationship.

Yet another detrimental behavior to close relationships is allowing control.  This occurs when someone submits everything to their partner, including all of their time, their own opinions, and decisions.  Losing one's own individuality and dependence to another is highly unhealthy.

The last antisocial maintenance behavior is destructive conflict.  In my recent post, I said that every relationship has conflict, but how people deal with that conflict has an even greater impact on the relationship.  Just like effective conflict management can strengthen a relationship, poor conflict management can cause a relationship to deteriorate.

Each of these things can cause problems in a relationship.  The more of them that are involved in a relationship, and the more often that these behaviors are used, then the more that the relationship will be damaged.  Be mindful of the behaviors of those close to you, and work together to begin changing these antisocial maintenance habits.  Also be mindful of your own behaviors.  If you are in need of positive behaviors to engage in, you can refer to my previous post, Components of a Healthy Relationship.


Works Cited:

"How to Get Your Boyfriend to Stop Ignoring You"
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Boyfriend-to-Stop-Ignoring-You

Elphinston R., Feeney J., Noller P., Connor J., Fitzgerald J. (2013) "Romantic Jealousy and Relationship Satisfaction: The Costs of Rumination", Western Journal of Communication, 77(3), 293. doi10.1080/10570314.2013.770161

Components of a Healthy Relationship

We value our close relationships, and we want them to last.  We can keep our relationships healthy and going strong by using prosocial maintenance behaviors.  These behaviors include positivity, humor, openness and routine talk, assurances, supportiveness, social networking, task sharing, joint activities, romance and affection, and constructive conflict management.  In a study conducted by Weigel and Ballard-Reisch, it was discovered that married couples who use higher levels of prosocial maintenance behaviors, are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships (Page 223).

The first of these, positivity, sounds easy enough.  We all know how to be positive.  What we do not realize however, is how much negativity we do incorporate in our relationships. On Operah.com, an article describes a married couple who agreed to cut out all negativity from their relationship, the effort that it took, and the results of joy and commitment.  Humor, inside jokes, and things that make both partners laugh is another aspect to relationship maintenance.

Openness and Routine talk not only involves being honest and direct with one another, but also engaging in everyday conversations such as asking how one's day has been.  Assurances are also important verbal communication in relationships.  Telling the other person about how much you care about them, and discussing your future together reminds them of you commitment.  Supportiveness such as sacrifices and comfort also show devotion and commitment.

Even though most of us are connected with our close friends and significant others on facebook, when used as a prosocial maintenance behavior, social networking refers to the time spent with each other's friends and families.  Belonging not just to each other, but to each other's social circles is a large part of a healthy relationship.  Likewise, sharing join activites such as hanging out, or going to events keeps the relationship enjoyable.  Task sharing, or working together on things such as chores or finances shows that each partner is committed and willing to share not only in the fun, but in the work.  In a separate study on prosocial maintenance in the work place, 88% of the participants reported using task sharing (Page 35).

Romance and affection is also crucial in a close relationship. Valuing a partner with surprises, flowers, and romantic evenings is yet another way to show someone that you care.  Lastly, efficient conflict management through listening, problem-solving, or compromising also helps maintain a healthy relationship. All relationships have conflict, how people deal with that conflict could help the relationship, or damage it.

The more that people engage in these prosocial maintenance behaviors, the more committed they are in their relationships and the more satisfied they are.  Positivity, humor, oppenness and routine talk, assurances, supportiveness, social networking, joint activities, task sharing, romance, and conflict management are these prosocial maintenance behaviors that can keep your relationship healthy or restore it.

Works Cited:

Newman L. (2013) "The One Thing You Need to Do to Save Your Marriage"

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-Positivity-Can-Save-Your-Marriage-Imago-Relationship-Therapy/1

Weigel D., Ballard-Reisch D. (2008) "Relational Maintenance, Satisfaction and Commitment in Marriages: An Actor-Partner Analysis", Journal of Family Communication [serial online]. July 2008;8(3):212-229

Madlock P., Booth-Butterfield M. (2012) "The Influence of Relational Maintenance Strategies Among Coworkers", Journal of Business Communication. 49(1), 21-47.

Flirting - From the Pick Up Line to the Relationship

Flirting plays a key role in the beginning of romantic relationships.  It is an exciting time, filled with giggles, and uncertainty.  A lot of research has been done on flirting, and it is a common advise topic for magazines. Research has shown that most people engage in nonverbal flirting techniques, especially in the early stages of a relationship.  These techniques are less direct, and less obvious, making it easier to prevent rejection from the other person.  Dr. Albert Scheflen, is known for the development of the 5 Stages of Courtship Model, of which, I will describe the first three stages.

The first step in this Courtship Mode, is to gain the other person's attention.  This part of flirting occurs at the very beginning of a relationship, often, the first time that two people meet.  Males, and some females, become nervous about approaching a love interest.  Worries over the perfect pick up line, timing, and appearance are common.  David DeAngelo from AskMen.com suggests that if you a male does not have a lot of time, he should be direct and act normal.   Looking good and making a great first impression is crucial in this stage.  Just like in an interview setting, you may not have a lot of time to "sell yourself". The first step to flirting, is getting the other person's attention, and gaining their interest, hopefully leading to more time.

The second stage, courtship readiness, or the recognition stage, involves the other person's response to the initial flirting.  Do they react negatively by scoffing, or ignoring the flirtation? Or does the person respond positively by smiling, blushing, engaging a conversation, or gazing?  The results of this stage will either put an end to flirting and the continuation to a relationship, or they will lead to the possibility of more flirting and the development of a relationship.  David DeAngelo recommends a "Cocky and Funny" attitude for men in this stage.  Keep in mind that people flirt for different reasons.  Some people may be genuinely interested in a relationship, others may do it for fun, and others could be doing it to make someone else jealous.  Flirting can also be used to get to know another person more, or to create an emotional bond.

The positioning stage of courtship is what most of us call "talking".  This is when two people are really beginning to form a relationship together, although it may not yet be very serious.  People in this stage have made it past the "first interview" and are in a sort of trial period. Activities in this part of courtship include talking at close distances, smiling, brief touching, gestures, and maybe even hand holding.  While both males and females engage in flirting activities, a scholarly journal in Communication Quarterly says that most people still use a traditional flirting style.  In this style, men are expected to follow traditional male roles and pursue the woman and make the first move (Page 369).  This article also goes into detail about the physical flirting style, the sincere flirting style, the playful flirting style, and the polite flirting style.

Flirting is an important part to the beginning stages of a romantic relationship.  Some flirting messages, especially nonverbal, can be unclear, which may cause uncertainty.  "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships" states that "Men are more likely than women to see flirtatious behaviors as seductive, whereas women often see these same behaviors as ways of being friendly and expressing innocent attraction (Page 191)."  This is one example of how uncertainty and confusion can cause disruption in flirting activities.  Nonverbal and verbal flirting, sometimes confusing or nerve-wrecking can be enjoyable.  Flirting is significant in the development of romantic relationships, particularly in the beginning stages.

Works Cited:


Hall J., Carter S., Cody M., Albright J. (2010) "Individual Differences in the Communication of Romantic Interest: Development of the Flirting Styles Inventory", Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

DeAngelo D. (2013) "How Long Should I Talk to a Woman Before I Ask for Her Phone Number",
http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_150/188_dating_tips.html

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afif W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Birds of a Feather - Does it Work?

When you begin getting to know someone, whether it's a potential best friend or significant other, it is so exciting to learn more about them and discover things that you have in common.  Common interests and and other similarities are often what draw us to other people, but is that what makes a relationship last? In "Put Down that Cosmo," the author, Becca says that when we are similar to others in physical attractiveness, values and attitude, and background and education, the relationship can be highly successful.
http://notyouraveragebro.com/dating-tidbits-and-advice/put-down-that-cosmo/'
 Researchers such as Morry, Kito and  Ortiz, have found this to be true. So even though Becca only has her Bachelor of Science in Psychology, her article in Not Your Average Bro can be trusted.

The Matching hypothesis says that we are drawn to others who have the same level of attractiveness as we do.  Usually, people that we choose to be close to us are within one point of our level of physical attractiveness (1-10).  Have you ever seen a couple with one beautiful partner, and one partner that was far less attractive and wondered why??  This hypothesis is not true for every couple, but it stands for most romantic partners and close friends.

The second type of similarity that usually draws people together, and the one that often keeps people together, is in values and attitude. These are things such as views on religion, or politics, and the way that we were raised, our morals. One of the reasons called the reinforcement model, as stated in "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships," is that when another person shares our same values and attitudes, we feel that we are correct in our beliefs and perceptions (Page 66).  Our values and attitudes are important to us and when someone close to us shares in these beliefs, it gives us a stronger sense of belonging. Also, the article in Personal Relationships says that when two people are similar in their attitudes, it can assist with reducing potential conflicts (Page 127).

The third way that similarity plays a role in connecting us to others is background and education.  Often times, someone will become close with a significant other or a friend if they come from similar financial backgrounds, ethnicity or nationality, or other demographics.  A study conducted by Luo shows that similarity of age and ethnicity had an important role in attraction to others (Page 135).   People also tend to be drawn to people who have similar educational backgrounds, particularly, people who have a similar level of communication skills.

Even though opposites do sometimes attract, "Birds of a feather" also attract, and research shows that similarity often helps "Birds of a feather flock together." Similarity in physical attractiveness, attitudes and values, and backgrounds and education, all plays a large role in drawing us to others, romantically or not, and sometimes, in maintaining that relationship.


Works Cited:

Becca (2012) "Put Down that Cosmo!:, Not Your Average Bro
http://notyouraveragebro.com/dating-tidbits-and-advice/put-down-that-cosmo/'

Morry M., Kito M., Ortiz L. (2010) "The attraction–similarity model and dating couples:  Projection, perceived similarity, and psychological benefits", Personal Relationships DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01293.x

 Luo S. (2009) "Partner Selection and Relationship Satisfaction in Early Dating Couples: The Role of Couple Similarity", Personality and Individual Differences. Colume 47, Isue 2.

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afif W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Influencing Others

Whether we realize it or not, to some degree, we all attempt to influence others in our relationships.  We may try to influence their behavior, their opinions, or smaller things such as which restaurant to eat at.  There are a number of ways to influence others, called compliance-gaining strategies.  These strategies include direct requests, bargaining, aversive simulation, ingratiation, or hinting (Others are moral appeals, manipulation and withdrawal).

An article in Madamenoire titled, "How to Get What You Want From Any Man," gives several tips for influencing a man. Many of these fall under the types of influencing techniques listed above. The first tip from Madamenoire, being open and honest, is a direct request type of influence.  This technique is commonly used and highly effective, especially in relationships with mutual respect and intimacy.  Examples of this influence are "Would you please take the trash out?," or "I think we should set aside one night a week for us to spend together."  Bargaining is another common type of influence.  Instead of asking directly, bargaining would look like this: "I'll take the trash out if you do the dishes."  Madamenoire advises us to offer to do something in return when influencing someone else.  The author of this article suggests that we could cook a favorite meal for the other person.

Aversive stimulation is one of the more childish influencing strategies.  Though sometimes effective, pouting, whining and complaining until a person gets their way is often viewed as negative behavior.  This is what Madamenoire says not to do.  The next technique, is ingratiation, or "kissing up."  The Madamenoire article advises women attempting to persuade their men to do this by telling him that he is the best source for what they need. By saying that he is the first, and best pick, he is flattered and more willing to do what they want.  The article also recommends that women smile and act polite and kind while asking for something.

Women are also known for "hinting." Instead of asking for a husband or roommate to take out the trash, a woman might say, "Wow look, the trash is overflowing."  The effectiveness of hints relies on the relationship and the other person.  According to "Compliance-Gaining Strategies, Communication Satisfaction, and Willingness to Comply," the closer and more intimate that two people are, the more likely they are to be influenced or persuaded (Page 101).  Interestingly, research has also found that two people in a healthy relationship use these compliance-gaining strategies less often because there is less that they need to change (Page 265. Guerrero).

So whether you are trying to get your dad to buy you tickets, hinting about a dream house, or waiting for the trash to be taken out, remember to be honest and direct, and smile.  There are many ways to attempt to influence others and some are more effective than others.  They may or may not work so well because of the technique itself, or because of the type of relationship and it's intimacy.

Works Cited:

Grant J., King P., Behnke R. (1994) "Compliance-Gaining Strategies, Communication Satisfaction, and Willingness to Comply", Communication Reports, 7(2), 99-108.

Renee E. (2010) "How to Get What You Want From Any Man", Madamenoire

http://madamenoire.com/25849/how-to-get-what-you-want-from-a-man-20019/

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afifi W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship

In today's culture of transportation and technology, long distance relationships are far more common than they used to be.  The Long Distance Relationship Survival Guide from Eharmony's Relationship Advice says that to manage a long distance relationship with your partner, you need to effectively manage two things: uncertainty and the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy.

"Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships" defines uncertainty as "the inability to predict or explain someone's attitudes or behaviors (Page 76.)"  Berger and Calabrese (1975), who were some of the first scholars to research uncertainty in relationships, give us three ways to reduce uncertainty in a relationship.  One of the three, interactive strategies, requires the person to communicate directly with their partner and be open and honest. The scholarly journal "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships" says that people often try to avoid discussing the subject (Page 207.)  Through my studies in Communication Studies at the University of Alabama, I have learned that this most often leads to other issues.  The is the best way to manage uncertainty in a long distance relationship with your partner and stay on the same page about expect of one another is to communicate openly and honestly with them.

The second part of a long distance relationship that needs to be well-managed is the dialectical tension of connection and autonomy, or the balance between time spent together, and apart.  This tension is present in any relationship, but it is magnified in long distance relationships with a significant other.  In any relationship, time should be spent together to develop the relationship, but time also needs to be spent apart to maintain individuality and space.  In a long distance relationship, this tension becomes more complex and frustrating because so much of the time spent together is over social media or video chat.  And then there is extreme connection when the partners visit and try to spend every moment together.  The best way to manage this tension, is to discuss it with your partner.  Be up front about needing more time to yourself or about wanting to talk with them more.  By discussing this issue, a solution or compromise is usually created.

Long Distance Relationships are not easy (I am in one myself).  Aside from the financial costs and the constant missing each other, the two largest drawbacks are the uncertainty and the tension between time spent apart and time spent together.  In each of these areas, discussing your expectations and your feelings with your partner is the best way to manage these negative areas and prevent further problems.


Works Cited:

Jang S., Yoo J., Tian Y.(2011) "Attachment, Relational Uncertainty, Communication Efficacy and Avoidance Following Events that Increase Uncertainty in Close Relationships", Human Communication, 14(3), 205-219

Guerrero L., Andersen P., Afifi W. (2011) "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships"

Hassenzahl M., Heidecker S., Eckoldt K., Diefenback S., Hillmann U. (2012) "All You Need is Love: Current Strategies for Mediating Intimate Relationships Through Technology", ACM Transactions on Computer-Human Interaction, DEC, 2012, 19 4, 19p

Comforting Others

We all need to be comforted from time to time.  Just like when our friends and loved ones comfort us, we want to be there for them and show them that we really care too.  There are several ways that we can help the people that we care about when they are distressed: we can help them come up with a solution or we can comfort them and aid their emotional needs.  In this blog post, I will focus on comforting others and relieving their aches.  An advice article in Glamour discusses six tips to comforting a friend who is dealing with a breakup.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html
 At some time or another, we all do help our friends through these times, but there are many other situations that they can go through: a bad grade on an important test, the loss of a loved one or financial issues for example.

The first advice given by Glamour is to "sense their mood and try to act accordingly."  I believe that this is the same advise offered by "The Art of Comforting" but in different words.  This New Ideas in Psychology article says that when issues are "empathically shared" with someone, we immediately feel better (Page 348).  By taking the time to be with someone and being sensitive to their mood, they are already relieved of some discomfort because they are no longer alone.

The following tips in the Glamour article (2-5) are not necessarily incorrect or ineffective but they are not of the same, deep and scholarly advice given in "The Art of Comforting."  Like Glamour's first tip, however, the sixth tip aligns with comforting advice "Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships." "Putting the focus on them" or, using "high person-centered messages" ensures them that you think positively of them and it builds them up (Page 145).  Glamour's example of comforting a friend through a breakup, suggests that instead of bashing the ex-boyfriend, we support our friend by saying things such as "You are so brave".  These types of positive, verbal messages let others know we care and value them.

Another important part of comforting others that is not included in Glamour's article is nonverbal immediacy.  Sometimes we are unsure of what to say, or things that we do say may not be heard or taken seriously.  Nonverbal messages, often more important then verbal messages, play a crucial role in comforting others. Nonverbal messages such as sitting closely, listening attentively, hugging or other touching, making eye contact, and the use of facial expressions add strength and validity to what we are trying to convey  (Page 349. Miceli).  These silent messages let them know that we are listening and we care about them.

There are hundreds of ways that we can help others, and many that we can comfort them.  But three ways to effectively comfort anyone close to us are to be empathetic, focus on them, and use nonverbal messages.


Works Cited:

Miceli M., Mancini A., Menna P. (2013) "The Art of Comforting", New Ideas in Psychology, 27343-361. doi 10.1016/newideaspsych. 2009.01.001

Kaufman G. (2012) "6 Things That Might Actually Help Comfort A Friend During a Break Up", Glamour Magazine.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/05/6-things-that-might-actually-h.html